Monday, July 18, 2011

It Was Never Enough

There are moments I have wished I were stupid. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a genius. I know I'm not, as a matter of fact. I have some pretty major flaws in my intelligence (we aren't talking about my character, here!). But I know I'm pretty smart. Smarter than average and smarter than most of the people around me. And no, I don't suffer fools well.

If I were stupid, I could have lived with my marriage. My first major relationship, it consisted of me trying to please my husband with everything I had. My body, my efforts, my intelligence. But it was never enough for him. He had to be smarter than I, stronger than I was. The physical abuse ended when I'd finally had enough and lashed back. The emotional abuse only got worse.

If I were stupid, I would have been able to subsume my self enough to give him what he wanted, complete and utter control. But I am not stupid, and I saw that it was never enough, that he would keep taking until I was utterly gone, and I could not give that much.

It was never enough, and that is good. I was able to walk away with enough of my self left to rebuild. I am able to give of myself to my children, now. I will teach them that giving with no return is never good enough. Breaking down another person's self is destructive to both of them. I will teach them to live with eyes open to the damage another can do to them with words alone. And I will teach them that when it is never enough, it is time to walk away.

Response to Indie Ink Writing Challenge from Ixy. My challengee this week was Dili with "Here, at the end of all time and reason…"

14 comments:

Unknown said...

Beautifully written and tough to read. Well done!

Random Girl said...

This is a powerful piece. A lot was said without needing many words. Well done.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like my divorce. Phew.

I'm going to have to shake off what I just read (not a bad thing).

Cedar said...

Sometimes I have to write stuff, and this was one of them. It's been almost two years, and I suspect I'll be finding pockets of mental pus for the rest of my life.

Shivpreet Singh said...

Hugs from California. Congratulations for having the courage to write this. Inspirational courage.

wendryn said...

Effective. Not an easy thing to write about, either. I understand the feelings.

Tara R. said...

It's good that you didn't want to be stupid. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage do the smart thing. Wise words you've written.

Head Ant said...

I understand this too well.

Karla said...

"...when it is never enough, it is time to walk away." There are no truer words. Well said and well written!

Steff said...

I've been in a relationship like this and I must say that I am SO happy to be smart! Great writing.

Dili said...

Wow, you're amazingly brave and strong and that's some powerful writing too.

Dili said...

Wow, you're amazingly brave and strong and that's some powerful writing too.

Jason Hughes said...

Oh, Cedar--I know you've had some rough times, and I am so glad you chose to be stronger and smarter than what you were handed! I'm still so glad we were able to reconnect after all those years ago! I see in you a VERY strong, VERY capable, VERY independent woman with a heart of gold!

I hope you never lose the qualities that make you YOU to anyone... :) BIG HUGS!!!

katsidhe said...

Wow! This really packed an emotional punch! Bravo, love.